Music has always been my solace. It’s a way for me to express what I’ve felt over the years—things that words alone couldn’t capture. My song Inside Out is deeply personal and marks a turning point in my life, a reflection of years spent battling depression, self-doubt, and the quest for self-love. I grew up in Lansing, MI, a black gay boy in a world that didn’t quite understand or accept me. The journey to self-love has not been easy, but it’s been worth every struggle.
Growing Up in Lansing
Lansing, Michigan—gray skies, cold winters, and months of barely any sunlight from October until March. As a little black gay boy, life wasn’t easy, to say the least. There were times I would question everything about myself. Why was I different? Why was I teased at school for being too pretty, too feminine, or too soft? Growing up, people would constantly mistake me for a girl. From ages 6 to 14, this was my reality, something that stuck with me and made me feel out of place. I experienced covert racism in school, not only because of my skin color but because of my perceived softness.
My family was religious. My grandfather, Rev. John Irvin Williams, was a pastor, and attending his church meant hearing sermons full of fire and brimstone. My identity as a gay man felt condemned before I even knew what it meant. The church didn’t offer me spiritual guidance but rather guilt and shame. So, as I struggled with who I was, I also grappled with the weight of my upbringing, unsure where I truly fit in.
The Weight of Depression
Throughout my life, depression has come in waves. My mental health would often decline around this time of year, a pattern that began when I was younger. The long, sunless months in Michigan were a trigger, but the root causes ran deeper. I sought therapy on and off, hoping to confront the weight of my feelings. Some of those feelings stemmed from childhood trauma—my father, who was physically abusive, left me carrying heavy emotional baggage.
My father did apologize before he passed away in 2013. His apology, though late, was a significant moment in my life. It felt like a weight had been lifted, but the emotional scars of growing up in that environment remained. It’s a burden I carry even now, one that I’m still working through.
For years, I felt like I wasn’t worthy of love. I didn’t believe in my own abilities, no matter how much I achieved. The insecurities that took root in my childhood continued into adulthood. I found myself in relationships with people who didn’t value me, and it wasn’t until later that I realized the real issue—I didn’t value myself.
The Thin Line Between Love and Limerence
There’s a difference between love and limerence. Limerence is intense, short-lived infatuation, often mistaken for love. For years, I found myself in relationships where I mistook limerence for something more meaningful. My first serious relationship, with Charles, was full of insecurity and doubt. It didn’t last, and I wasn’t surprised. The relationship was never meant to thrive—it was built on shaky ground.
“If I had known better, and had I loved myself enough to know better, it would have saved me a lot of heartache,” I wrote in my journal, reflecting on that time. But I didn’t love myself then. I was still learning what self-love truly meant. My song Inside Out reflects that lesson:
“Love yourself from inside to out. That is really what true love is about.”
These words echo the hard-won wisdom I’ve gained. Loving yourself isn’t a one-time achievement; it’s an ongoing process, especially for those of us who’ve been told our whole lives that we aren’t enough.
Writing Inside Out: Finding Inspiration in Pain
In 2018, while working on my album Erogenous Zone, I was involved in a car accident that delayed my progress. I was already taking vocal lessons, wanting to grow beyond talk-singing, but the accident set me back physically and mentally. The pain was real, both in my body and in my spirit. My anger grew as I realized how much the accident had disrupted my life.
But during that time, I found inspiration. Writing became my therapy, and when my cousin sent me a track that would become Inside Out, I knew it was special. The lyrics poured out of me:
“What I need is to work on myself. Being happy is an inside to out.”
These words became my mantra. Happiness doesn’t come from external sources; it comes from within. It was a lesson I had to learn the hard way, but one that has shaped who I am today.
Overcoming Depression and Embracing Self-Love
Over the years, I’ve learned that self-love is not a luxury; it’s a necessity. If you don’t love yourself, no one else’s love will ever feel like enough. We often seek validation from others, hoping that their love will fill the void inside us. But love from others can’t replace the love we need to give ourselves.
Depression is something I still battle from time to time, but I’ve learned how to cope. I’ve sought therapy when I’ve needed it. I’ve reached out to friends and family when the weight of the world felt too heavy. If you’re struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, know that you’re not alone. Reach out—there are resources available, such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) and the Crisis Text Line (text HOME to 741741).
Loving Yourself From the Inside Out
The journey of loving yourself is ongoing, but it’s the most important relationship you’ll ever have. Inside Out is my story of finding that love after years of doubt, pain, and heartache. If I can leave you with one message, it’s this: love yourself first. True love begins with you, from the inside out.
“With self-love, I have grown—love yourself enough to let it go.”
20 Minutes after posting this article I was able to find my song on Soundcloud. I will be re-recording all of the Erogenous Zone songs.
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