A Journey of Love, Self-Discovery, and the Power of Letting Go
There are songs that seize your soul, refusing to let go. One of those is Pat Benatar’s We Belong. I was driving one evening when it came on the radio, and the magnetic pull of the song hit me. “Don’t want to leave you really, I’ve invested too much time.” The words echoed in my mind like a bittersweet memory, pulling me into a space of reflection and vulnerability. As I let it play on repeat, I wrestled with its seductive power—the idea of holding on to love, even when it hurts, when we know deep down that maybe we should let go.
The second verse hit hardest: not knowing what to do with her strength. How many times, including myself, have we stayed in relationships because love songs convinced us that we should hang on to false hope? It took me back to a night in Detroit, where possibility, passion, and fleeting connections would teach me the true cost of holding on too tightly.
A Night at The Gold Coast: Choices, Consequences, and the Allure of Love
It was a Sunday night when my best friend Robert convinced me to check out The Gold Coast, a bar alive with the hum of music, bodies moving, and the electric buzz of potential. The dance floor was filled with beautiful Black men—the kind I’ve always adored. That night, I caught the attention of three: Brian, David, and Darrin (a son of Motown royalty). Numbers were exchanged like promises whispered in the dark, and Robert marveled at how men seemed drawn to me. But I’ve always been the one who waits, never making the first move—something that comforts me, but also leaves me longing.
David was the first to call.
The Beginnings with David: A Cancer’s Connection
We bonded quickly, unraveling stories about life, love, and our shared astrological sign: Cancer. His birthday was June 30th, exactly one week after mine. For someone who believes in astrological compatibility, it felt like a sign I couldn’t ignore. Intrigued, I made the drive from Lansing to Detroit, drawn in by his charm.
David had rented a room at the Residence Inn, complete with French doors separating the living room from the bedroom. But something felt… off. His body was there, but his mind seemed distant. He admitted he almost canceled but was convinced to go through with it. I felt the sting of disappointment. Hours on the road, tired, but still, we talked—deeply. He shared stories of his lost mother, childhood scars, and the loneliness that lingered in the quiet moments. I listened, captivated by his vulnerability. We drank, and then the mood shifted. Rick James and Teena Marie’s Fire and Desire filled the room, igniting the passion between us. The heat between us burned, and soon, there was no turning back. His touch was powerful, intoxicating, and that night, I surrendered to it fully.
Was It Love or Passion?
In hindsight, I wonder: Was it love, or simply passion masquerading as something deeper? Our “relationship” lasted eight months, though calling it a relationship feels like a stretch. We spent more time tangled in sheets than we did walking hand-in-hand. He never introduced me to his family or friends. Red flags, I should’ve noticed, but I clung to the fleeting moments, hoping for something more.
By June, I began to pull away. One day, while at work, I received a call from David. His deep, sultry voice declared words I had longed to hear: I love you. The old me would’ve melted, but by then, I was tired of the empty gestures. Actions speak louder than words.
“Whatever,” I replied, before hanging up. My coworkers erupted into laughter, assuming I was handling a difficult customer. But they didn’t know—I had just slammed the door on a chapter of my heart.
Darrin and the Price of Power
Later that night, I decided to give Darrin a call. He had been pursuing me since I officially moved to Detroit. Darrin was the kind of man who expected to get whatever he wanted, but I wasn’t in a place to give him that. My heart was still caught in the tangled mess of David’s games, even though nothing between us had ever been official. With David, it was deeply sexual, but I often felt like an object, not a partner. I was tired of being a toy for someone’s convenience.
Darrin, on the other hand, seemed to offer something different. But I wasn’t ready for commitment—I didn’t even know what I wanted. My focus was on succeeding in Detroit, not getting tied down. Darrin’s aggressive pursuit unsettled me. He demanded my attention, expecting me to appear at his side whenever he saw me at the club. But I wasn’t going to be anyone’s possession, and he didn’t like that. The more I resisted, the more he wanted me. It was a dangerous game.
The Conversation Piece: Gold Records and Power
The first time I visited Darrin’s home, I was struck by the grandeur—the architecture, the gleaming hardwood floors. But my eyes immediately landed on the gold and platinum records adorning his walls. Before I could ask, he cut me off.
“Don’t ask,” he said.
I raised an eyebrow. “Why display them if you won’t talk about them?”
“They’re NOT conversation pieces,” he replied.
I challenged him. “I would want to know more about them. They’re not just decor.”
“I want people to be interested in me for who I am, not for what one of my parents did,” he said.
I let him have the last word.
Breaking Free: From Disappointment to Self-Discovery
Darrin offered me a drink, and we went upstairs. His kisses were fast, aggressive, and soon enough, I realized this wasn’t what I wanted. The experience was hollow, transactional. We had sex once, and afterward, he clung to me like a stray cat that had been fed. He called constantly, wanting more, but I saw enough. Money, power, and influence might be seductive, but they didn’t impress me. When I imagined a future with him, all I saw was control and abuse.
In the midst of all of this, I was still figuring out who I was and what I truly wanted. I needed a friend. Enter Brian. Brian, another Cancer, was romantically interested in me, but my interest was strictly platonic. Though I tried to steer him toward Robert, Brian never quite liked that, though he eventually understood.
As my birthday approached, I got off work early and received a call from none other than David. David was upset because I had a date, and when I told him, he hung up. I let it go. The date, however, was with myself. I spent the night treating myself to a movie at Emagine Palladium and dinner at my favorite Thai restaurant, Bangkok Cuisine. It was one of the most fulfilling nights I had in a long time—alone.
The End of a Chapter
Weeks went by without hearing from David. I finally called to wish him a happy birthday—no response. I owed him no explanation, but the date was with myself. A couple of years later, we went to a Janet Jackson concert together. We had fun, but by then, it was clear that friendship would be the only thing we could have.
One night, David called me, crying about a family member. He came over, I comforted him, and one thing led to another. We ended up back in my bed. But the more things changed, the more they stayed the same. He told me he sometimes called his boyfriend by my name to get under his skin. I told him how cruel and wrong that was.
The Cost of Holding On
The truth is, I had spent so much time catering to the needs of others, leaving my own desires and self-worth in the background. But with each passing year, I’ve grown wiser. I’ve learned that time is precious, and I can’t afford to waste it.
Brian’s passing hit me hard, and I miss him deeply. His witty, catty humor will always be a part of me. But his memory has also taught me the importance of cherishing the moments I have with the people who truly matter and giving myself the same love and attention I freely gave to others.
I no longer chase fleeting connections or let myself be defined by someone else’s idea of love. I’ve learned to love myself first. It’s not a perfect journey, but it’s mine. I’ve turned the page, and I’m ready for what comes next.
These stories, these moments, have found their way into my music. My upcoming album Phoenix Rising: The Emperor’s Ascension, set for release on June 30, 2025, is a reflection of everything I’ve lived through—love, loss, triumph, and transformation. It’s a story of the highs and lows of love, the life experiences that have shaped me, and the journey of becoming who I am today.
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