It’s October 11, 2024—National Coming Out Day—and I want to share my story. Coming out is a process, and the truth is, it never really ends. I’ve had many moments of “coming out,” from timid attempts as a child to the times I busted down the doors and fully embraced who I am. Each time taught me a new lesson about myself, love, and acceptance. It wasn’t easy, but the journey was mine—and today, I’m owning it.
Knowing Who I Was From a Young Age
There’s a misconception that young people, especially teenagers, don’t really know who they are. I can only speak for myself when I say this: I knew I was different from as early as four years old. As I grew older, it became clear that the world wasn’t ready for who I was, but that didn’t change the fact that I knew. It’s important to remember that each person’s journey is different, but for many LGBTQ+ people, we’ve always had an inherent understanding of our identities, even if we didn’t yet have the words to describe them.
Attempting to Come Out
One of the earliest attempts to come out was when I was a kid watching an episode of Oprah featuring lesbian sisters coming out to their family. My mother walked in, and I asked, “What would you say if I told you I was gay?” She shot back, “Is there something you’re trying to tell me, Martone?” At that moment, I didn’t have the strength to stand up for myself and shout, “Yes, I’m gay!” But I wanted to.
Growing up in a religious family and being surrounded by expectations that I would live a certain way made coming out all the more difficult. But I was on the path to healing. My healing. This journey was about me finding my truth, learning to live with it, and accepting the complicated, messy relationship with my family.
Relationships and Trauma: A Psychological Breakdown
Psychologically, the relationships we have with our family and friends can deeply affect how we view ourselves. For many LGBTQ+ individuals, coming out can feel like a betrayal to those we love, especially in religious or conservative families. The rejection or harmful words we receive—like my mother’s hurtful comment about getting tested for AIDS—often lead to feelings of shame and self-doubt. These words can be deeply scarring, but it’s important to understand that these reactions are often rooted in fear or ignorance, not our worth as human beings.
As an empath, I have a vivid recall of the hurtful moments—like when family members tried to “fix” me or dismissed my identity as a phase. These traumas create deep emotional wounds that can take years to heal. However, recognizing that these reactions are more about their inability to accept us, rather than our own faults, is a critical step toward healing.
Coming Out Is Not a One-Time Event
The second time I came out, I was 18 and just beginning to shed my baby fat. I told my mother straight up, “I’m gay.” There was no real conversation about it. Yet, whenever she was upset with me, she’d make comments about my weight loss and urge me to get tested, implying that my identity somehow made me sick.
People close to us often don’t know how to respond. My Aunt Deborah, someone I adored, said, “Not my prize-winning nephew,” through held-back tears. Cousins, too, acted like my coming out was an attention-seeking act rather than me stepping into my truth. Moments like these make coming out a continual process—a series of conversations, revelations, and heartbreaks as you grow into yourself.
“Love Out Loud” – The Song and the Message
That’s why I wrote the song “Love Out Loud”—to express the freedom I’ve always dreamed of. The lyrics resonate with the struggles I faced but also the empowerment that comes from living authentically:
“Open your heart, no fear to hide, love out loud in just a matter of time. Fear is just a bad state of mind—you’ll have my heart in just a matter of time.”
It’s about freeing yourself from the shadows and stepping into the light. We deserve love, and we deserve to live loudly, without shame.
Even though I’m no longer involved with the church and have been away for quite some time, and by no means have plans to return, I still hold on to certain teachings. One of the most important lessons I remember is how often people misinterpret the Bible’s message of love, acceptance, and compassion. Those who use scripture to judge or condemn others are missing the true essence of faith. Faith should promote understanding, unity, and kindness—not be wielded as a weapon. They may twist its words to fit their own biases, but their judgment is not a reflection of your worth or your truth.
One verse that always stood out to me, and affirms the importance of living authentically, is Psalm 139:14:
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
This scripture reminds us that we are all created with purpose and uniqueness. Accepting who we truly are is part of honoring that divine creation. You are wonderfully made just as you are, and living your truth is the purest reflection of that beauty.
Advice for Coming Out
If you’re struggling with coming out, know that it’s okay to take your time. The process is personal, and there’s no right or wrong way to do it. Here’s some advice based on my experience:
Trust your timing: You know yourself best. Don’t let others rush you into coming out if you’re not ready.
Find your support system: Whether it’s a close friend, a therapist, or an online community, having people who love you for who you are can make all the difference.
Prepare for mixed reactions: Not everyone will react positively, and that’s a reflection of their limitations, not your worth. Be prepared to lean on those who support you.
Own your truth: The fear of rejection can be paralyzing, but remember that living in your truth is the ultimate freedom.
Healing from Trauma and Loving Out Loud
Over the years, I’ve realized that the hurtful things said to me weren’t my fault. My family’s reactions—whether it was my mom’s offhand comments or my cousins trying to “correct” me—were rooted in their own fears and misunderstanding. I had to heal on my own terms, and in doing so, I learned to love out loud, just as I sing in my song:
“Times have changed, my baby, open your eyes. Love out loud, be who you are.”
In the end, coming out is about you and your journey toward self-acceptance. The road is tough, and there will be heartbreak along the way, but loving yourself enough to live out loud is the greatest gift you can give yourself.
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